Spouse response

Help!

A man and a woman standing on a pier with the lake behind them. cropped image shows their legs and shoes only.

Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.Done

 
On 10 Nov 2019, at 14:34, Jennifer Webster <icurjennifer@gmail.com> wrote:

Help!

As the spouse of a beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself spending time looking for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. As I found this out, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was being taken for granted (which I was, because I really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help. So knowing where help is needed is very helpful and, emotionally, very releasing.

 

Finding reality

As a spouse who cares for my visually disadvantaged, yet extremely courageous partially sighted wife, I have found, like other carers, that we are often gifted with a degree of compassion, and a capacity to see needs and wants being met. With this, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters. You see, as a compassionate carer, we tend to start finding our self-worth in how we care, and how effective we are in foreseeing needs and fixing them. This will eventually create an emotional fusion and co-dependence that can become destructive and unkind in our kinds of relationships. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I. While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and misguided, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon I find myself in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs. Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as their circumstances reveal theirs.As the spouse of a

beautiful, enthusiastic and courageous partially sighted wife, I often find myself looking out for the next need to be met. These could include, to raise a few: checking that plates, knives, glasses and sharp objects are not in places that can be harmful; watching that broken tiles, rough brick work, glass doors or uneven steps, don’t become a hazard that could result in a broken leg, strained back or great humiliation. It only dawned on me, after several decades of marriage, that it would be extremely helpful to both me and my wife, if I actually found out what is most helpful to her, and not what I thought was best for her. When I found out her actual need, it released her from a hang of a lot of guilt, and me from growing frustration that I was seemingly being taken for granted (because I was spending a lot of energy, but really wasn’t meeting her need). The problem was mine – I just needed help from her to know where she needed help.The increased communication was emotionally releasing for us both.

 Finding reality

As a carer, gifted with a degree of compassion, I have found in me a capacity to see needs and wants being met, however, there is often a downside that can really complicate matters.

As with many caring people, I began finding my self-worth in how will I cared, and how effective I was in foreseeing needs and fixing them in case they became a problem. This eventually created an emotional fusion and co-dependence that became destructive and unkind in our relationship, and relationships with others. The reality is that my wife faces daily challenges and has needs that she must take responsibility for, as do I.While my help may be spot-on sometimes, there are other times that it is sorely unhelpful and devaluing, and if my self-image is linked to her response you can imagine the dark dungeon we sometimes found ourselves in. So as a carer, I have had to be very real about my limitations, wants, and own personal needs.

Maybe those we care for are far better gifted to love us, than we are sometimes able to love them – we need to be as open with our needs as they are with theirs.

We have found it helpful to be honest with our feelings, grateful for what is not a problem and to also have a good laugh at ourselves.

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